3/31/12

Kung Fu

Today's story revolved around a child. An adorable little 4 year old that only wanted to impress the superior beings that are called adults. Let's call him David Force. Yeah, that works. Little David Force.

He woke up early this morning. Stretching in bed, opening his eyes and letting ideas roam through his mind. Improvisation isn't even necessary when you're 4 years old and have an imagination as active as a prostitute's sex life. He knew what he wanted to do, and he was happy with this idea.

This is what a happy young David Force looks like.

The poor little thing picked up his magic marker and paint set and headed straight for his mother's mirror, which was inconveniently placed in her room. This was fine, he managed to wake up without her noticing and so he got into her room without her noticing either.

Finally at his destination, he was only about 15 minutes away from success. He looked straight ahead at the mirror, picked up a yellow magic marker, and got straight to work.

15 minutes later he was done. He slid out of his parents' room and headed straight through the hall in the hopes of finding someone to appreciate his masterpiece. And then his mommy walked her way up to the hall and saw his face.


And mommy was not pleased. Quite the opposite, her eyes lit up for half a second before blinking a few times and calming down.

The shock left her with no words for a little while. Stutters, many blinks and a few deep breaths later, she managed to cross her arms and form a coherent sentence.


And little David knew exactly why he did it. It all made perfect sense in his mind, so he didn't even hesitate to answer.

"Because Kung Fu"

She just stared at him blankly, probably already contemplating how she could go so wrong so fast. He was only 4. And kung fu? Really? All this and much more could be seen in her eyes.

"What do you mean, kung fu?!" slipped out of her mouth. Poor little David, with much less confidence than before started to whisper.

"BecauseofthekungfumoviemommyI'msorry"


But he wasn't sorry yet. This was something she couldn't handle on her own, she didn't know what to do. She tried to get him to explain, but he was obviously in the mood for jokes. So she took him outside to explain himself to his father.

His dad wasn't alone, he was taking a break from adult-man-work outside with his creepy cock-eyed cousin. They both just stared at the poor little thing, and there to break silence was the poor kid's mom.

"Tell them what you just did"

"....kungfu...."

My inner 12 year old drew this.

The roaring laughter that came from these two adults would be enough for poor little David Force to reject anything kung fu related for years to come.

But the story doesn't end here! It's important to know the roots of little David's thoughts.

See, a week before this whole thing David saw a movie. Or rather, he saw the first 5 minutes of a movie, followed by bits and pieces whenever he woke up. This movie was something about To Wong Foo, which was easily switched in his mind with kung fu. He would later find out what men in drag were.

Kung fu was something David's dad was into. Anything about the martial arts, it was part of the rainbow of subjects that this guy couldn't stop talking about, so naturally, little David wanted something to do with this amazing kung fu stuff.

It all makes sense in the end, doesn't it?

Also, this totally wasn't based on true events or anything. Come on and stuff. Geeze.

3/15/12

A legitimate question

And not that I'm expecting all of you (or any) to honestly answer, but I'll put it out there anyway.

A while ago I was having a chat with a lady friend. Let's call her Amanda. Now me and Amanda have known each other for so long that we can be pretty excessively open with our thoughts and opinions. It's a good thing, it means we're open enough to talk about things like when her mother was looking at genital piercings. I let her know that her dad might be getting one soon in order to satisfy his curious wife; and so on and so forth until we came to the following scenario.

Now, I came up with this while talking to a hetero female, so it applies to hetero/bi females and gay males. I'll give the lesbian and hetero male twist after I'm done with the original, so don't worry. You all apply.

You wake up. You're in the arms of prince charming, literally all you physically want in a guy. You smile, of course, because he's looking at your eyes so tenderly. The bed still smells of the amazing sex you had last night, and the comfort of his arms firm around you is the only thing keeping you from drifting to another moment. This is a guy you've been living with for 6 months without things completely falling apart, things are oddly better than you'd expect them to be, too, so you want this to work.


He leans forward, kisses your forehead, and with those tender and hesitant eyes he asks:


"Can I fuck your armpit?"


What the fuck do you say? How do you respond to this? Yes, that IS the question.


NOW, some things you should know that me and Amanda were already aware of:

There are such people who enjoy sticking their dicks in an armpit, and having the arm close on the phallus as they hump away. There are also people who who find armpits so arousing that the sight of them could make them masturbate vigorously until they inseminate it. Think of a money shot. Pit shot. Look this shit up, it's hilarious.

When "prince charming" asks for armpit sex, you don't know which of these two he wants. I want the initial reaction, be it yes, no, depends on my mood, or I'd have to have a talk with him first.

Amanda said it would be as bad as anal sex, so no. I've gotten a few opinions on this matter, asking around, and it really seems like the overall answer is a tie. This means your opinions count.

And for the rest  of you with dickless partners out there, there is indeed a female-on-pit option. Unfortunately, I'm not sure a female could have sex with an armpit in more ways than grinding. I've yet to find proper female armpit fetish videos. If you have some, let me know.


Anyway, pretty much this whole thing gets inverted-  there's the woman of your dreams and you wake up with her in your arms, puppy dog eyeing you right before she asks if she can grind your armpit until she has pleased  herself.

What to fucking do.

Now, you could not answer, which is fine. There's no restrictions as to who reads this blog, and maybe you'll have a job in the future with a boss that has a thing against allowing your partner to fuck your armpit. You could post anonymously! But still I mean, who knows, there's a dozen of these excuses on why not to give your opinion.


For those of you with excuses, can you possibly imagine other ways a woman could please herself using only/mainly an armpit?

It's for a good cause. You could be inventing someone's fetish before it's even done, and become a revolutionary in the world of armpit sex. That's something to tell the grand kids in the future, innit?

3/12/12

Tagged againagainagainagain

I'm not sure I said enough agains. Whatever.

I've been tagged on one of these little shits once more. If you're bored and boring, you might wanna check the past ones. This one is pretty similar. Some of the stupid rules have been shaved off but there's still a few to take care of. Take a look at the original set of rules. Or get out of the  window and read something worth reading, whatever. Up to you.

Using a  lot of fonts isn't cute, kids

Needless to say, once more, I don't agree with the rules. I've revised and fixed them because I can.

Better, if I do say so myself

Today's questions are brought to you by MRanthrope of Jim's Fear. He's not a total dipshit, so if you for some reason read these questions and enjoy them, give him a look.

Also he likes some fucking amazing metal.

Let's get down to business, motherfuckers.

1. What part of the country/world are you from and do you like it's weather?
Puerto Rico. I really do. Beach during winter is amazing.

2. If you could spend a week anywhere on Earth, where would you go?
A submarine in the Mariana Trench.

3. What's your favorite film- why?
It depends on the mood. But I guess The Red Violin. Purely because it's inspired me to get further into music and thus made my life a lot happier. I've only seen it about 3 times in my life, but I do always enjoy it.

4. Which celebrity/athlete/world leader would you like to meet (first name that pops in your head!)?
First name that pops into my head is George Watsky and that's probably only because I'm listening to him right now. He's still awesome though. Wouldn't mind.

5. Monster truck or Mini Cooper?
I'd rather walk. Whatever, monster truck.

6. What was your worst subject in school?
History can suck my balls.

7. If you could transform your favorite hobby/pastime into a career, you'd be a professional what?
... I guess I'd write music articles for major (e?)magazines.

8. You wake up tomorrow and discover you've suddenly become a pro wrestler...what's your theme song/entrance music going to be?
This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that MRanthrope's favorite band is these guys, but The Dillinger Escape Plan's version of Aphex Twin's Come to Daddy.

9. Opinions on nationalism?
I'm mostly for it in my particular political situation, but I can't say it's best for everywhere.

10. How do you kill time whenever there's a power outage?
Board games. So many amazing board games.

11. Jesus VS Darth Vader...who wins the battle of the midi-chlorians?!
I'd sit them both the fuck down with a grilled cheese and some chocolate milk and tell them to talk it out. They've got to just grow up.


Why did you even read this far? Geeze.

3/10/12

R

How many of you have heard of this guy? No, better question: How many of you haven't received one of his comments?

Not sure? Name kinda rings a bell? Yes, you know him and you wish to anally introduce him to a variety of dictionaries, because he quite obviously seeps feces from his mouth? Maybe you've just been fortunate enough to have never dealt with him.

In that case, let me show you what he's like.

Fuck you

This fuck-face routinely stops over at my baby blog, and insists on littering it with his trash. This is a person that takes all of 2 seconds to summarize a post and somehow be able to leave an opinion.

So did your mom last night

It's comments like these that take away from the credibility of a post. Say some producer is looking for music blogs to feature his music on, as long as the comments are visible these producers will look at them.

That might be why for such a long time I've been deleting his worthless comments. Speaking of worthle-- no, too early.

I know, cuntflap, that's why I put it up

What R does happens often. A month and a half of on and off commenting, followed by the realization that not once did I comment on the shit-for-brains' blog. In a few months, he'll come to my blog again and decide it's time to try and recruit me again.

Two times in a row? Gasp

It doesn't take much for  this dumb-fuckery to get on my nerves. As far as I've been aware there's no dead set way to block assholes from commenting. You can block a follower, but R isn't one.

I will hunt you down and rip your testicles apart

I could go out of my way (way, way out) and block the dipshit's IP address, but if there's a proxy involved or if the fucker ever moves, I'll get so pissed off I might do something drastic. Like report him to the CIA as a major drug distributor. The time I get for wasting theirs might be worth it, I just wish I could see R's face when it all goes down.


So let's assume that within an hour this dickwad can comment on about 100 blogs. That's pretty fucking fantastic isn't it? That should mean he writes some mother fucking excellent posts, now doesn't it? I mean, it better.

Curiosity got the best of me and I took a peek at the blog. Maybe there's quality content on it. What a terrible idea.

Fucking rage...

This piece of shit of a blog is full of other people's articles, copied and pasted. One day I'm going to post about exactly how much I hate that. For now, let me fix the blog up a little.

That's better

I'm getting to something here. After a few seconds of serious thought, I realized what this fuck brain does isn't an easy task. It's not easy to be so terrible in every aspect of something. I may suck at Chinese, but after a few months I'll get better. Not R, though. Not with blogging.

So R, if you took the time to read this, I think you're special. I've made an award for people like you.

Real award, find out all about it here

R, you are the first ever inductee to the Worthless Piece of Shit Blogger Award. This is an honor and a privilege. I'd tell you to click here and get the widget/button, but you're sporting the new dynamic layout. I implore you to switch back, just so you can put it up on your blog. That's your decision entirely anyway.

Off to let R know of his achievement!