5/6/12

My Relationship with Roaches

I've had a lot of experiences with these things throughout my life. Roaches. Even the name is ugly, they're hard to get used to and real easy to hate. It's not like they do anything, of course. Usually they're just germ transmitters. Like flies, lizards, mice, cats, dogs...

But then sometimes.. things happen. Sometimes, they're just cruel motherfuckers. I'm not prejudiced, they're just assholes.

When I was 5

I had to go to the bathroom. It was maybe 9 at night so everything was dark. Of course, I waited until the very last minute of whatever cartoon I was watching to quickly run down the hall and make a right at the bathroom. Commercial breaks are so quick, there really is a need to hurry.

I open the bathroom door, slide my bare foot in and put my hand on the switch. I don't flick the switch, though. No, there's a rubber band under my foot. It feels funny, I roll it around, play with it a little while and smile. I realize the cartoon is gonna be on soon, so I hurry up and turn on the light.

From here it all happens so fast. The light is on, I lift my foot and see this big brown thing, practically drunkenly wobble out from under my foot. My teeth grind, my eyes widen, and this foot-fucker decided to fly its way up my leg.

Fuck that shit. Nearly pissed myself as I darted out of there.


Fast forward a few years to-

When I was 15

It's early morning this time. Getting ready, the whole routine. I'm the first one awake. It's time for breakfast, maybe a hard boiled egg. Maybe an egg sandwich. Classy stuff. I was always classy.

I open the fridge, I get an egg, put it on the counter top. So far so good, life is pretty fucking sweet. Lower a pot, fill it up with water. Put that pot and water on medium high and wait for it to boil. Fuck yeah I'm a pro.

So I wait a few minutes, the water is boiling, I stick the egg in it. All that fancy stuff, and then I pull a glass out. To drink from it or something. Of course, under that glass was a family of cockroaches, staring up at me blankly. Their fancy little antennae twitching like they've been caught in the act.
"That's awfully rude, man. We're here making these babies come out and you're fucking interrupting us. Why don't you go squeal like a little bitch and forget about making breakfast? Eating sucks anyway." - Roaches
I took their advice. Later on that night I found them eating my toothpaste. It's a surprising detail to note that I never got a cavity after that point.


Two days ago

I was emptying out a closet. This closet has always had a big hole that leads to the tub on the bathroom on the other side. It's for easy plumbing purposes or something. You know what whatever. It's got big piece of plastic on the wall and that's where the hole is. It's just wide enough for a basketball to fit through.

Well in the process of clearing the closet out and re-realizing that hole was there, it just seemed logical at the time to satisfy my curiosity and attempt at tugging it off. Right there, on that chewed-off rust-black floor that's most likely corroded by the never ending tub leak. With little brown marks up against the walls, and the faint smell of dirty mop.

I was pretty curious. I mean, I tugged at that plastic bitch hard. I don't know what it is that I did wrong, but apparently my feet were doing a better job. I fell.

Usually when something looks shady, you stay away from it. I however decided to stand on it and sink 5 feet into the ground all of a sudden. That cheap closet floor decided to give out, right when I needed it to work, and it was disgusting. I scraped my right arm on the side a bit, but that's fine. "Just a graze" says my inner macho man.

What wasn't fine was the hole on the bottom, near my knee. Maggots around the rim as far as I could see, the occasional flying insect zooming out, and you can't ignore the giant (about 16 inches long and maybe 6 inches wide) cockroach. I could see it too, looking at me with those fucking giant beady eyes. Its fucking antennae poking out from its hole/nest. It's at that point that I took my battle-axe, which I have on me at all times, and swung it right across its "head". It's not clearly defined, but I took the top chunk off in one swift crunch of a sound.


Oh it kept moving though. The fucker.

32 comments:

  1. I've never had a problem with roaches. The home I grew up in was infested with these things. They were rather small, so they looked more like giant ants than the insect that repulses everyone. What did make me nauseated was the maggot bit. I can't get this Reddit image out of my head. Picture it. A homeless man who was taken to the hospital for having his leg covered in maggots.

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    1. I actually normally get to the point where I watch these things crawling on the wall and give them a friendly nod. I hate the stench of pesticides, I'd rather let them live. I just don't like when they fuck with me.

      Ever seen the video of the homeless man with larvae up his nose?

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  2. Holy hell. I'm not typically afraid of bugs or rodents, but if I ever saw a roach that big in my house I would probably pack up and move. Either that or kill it with a flamethrower.

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    1. Flamethrower! That should be my battle-axe substitute.

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  3. You are a brave, brave man. I hate those bastards.

    I am also pleased to know you have always been classy. I had my suspicions.

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    1. Well I'm glad we could clear those up!

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  4. I guess I'm fucked, but that roaches look pretty tasty.

    Too much "Fear Factor". xD

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    1. No such thing as too much Fear Factor..

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  5. You ever consider using chemical warfare? Not fumigation, I mean poison bait type pest control?

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    1. Not really. They just annoy me sometimes. I let them live.

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. "Hey guys look at me, I attempted to make a witty comment that lets you all know I know slang for marijuana. That makes me cool, right?!"

      Also: Your blog fucking sucks and your picture only makes desperate prepubescent boys click it. That's not the demographic for any of my blogs. So please, grab all the sweat from between your genitals and season it on your next meal, you deserve it.

      Delete
    2. Actually wizardOZZ makes a good point. Fire can kill things that wouldn't other wise die! Capture the roach and roll it up and light it on fire!

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    3. You can look at it from the nicest angle you want. He was referring to a blunt. I would stomp on his testicles.

      Delete
  7. It is fortunate that you carry a battle axe, indeed. I battled bed bugs not too long ago and while they weren't nearly as frightening, there were nights where I just wanted to burn my place down.

    I like story time.

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    1. Those are moments where a flamethrower will definitely come in handy. I've got to tip my hat off to BT. And I'm growing quite fond of story time myself.

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  8. I love Roaches, in Starcraft 2. :D

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    1. It would've been so easy to incorporate your game-love into an actual comment. How much dick crust do you have on the rim of your eyes, that it inhibits you from reading the warning right over the comment box?

      Delete
  9. We don't have roaches here in Colorado. Or at least I don't think we do. I've never lived in a place that's had them, and believe you me, I've lived in some shitholes.

    However, I just came back from Vegas and I saw a ton at my in-law's house. Nasty, creepy little things. They'd be out in the back yard, scurrying around, and my dogs would try to play with them. I'd be yelling at my dogs to knock it off, and I'd wonder, is this what it's like raising children in the ghetto?

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    1. Now wait a second.. roaches.. don't live in certain places? I thought they just did. Just because they could. Weird.

      Oh, and it probably is. Fun, right?

      Delete
  10. Most insects like to stay away from colder environments, but wet warm places like Florida, its hard to get away from them sometimes - thanks for the post
    Take a stop by my blog and check it out if you get a chance.
    -Sg7
    http://stuffguy7.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your entire blog is plagiarized, why would I take a look at boring text that you didn't even read? Actually, you didn't even bother reading this post. Why don't you fuck yourself to death? I recommend sandpaper. Just trust me.

      Delete
  11. Yes. You are a Pro when it comes to boiling eggs. :P

    I hate roaches too. Once a friend in school put one of those things on my left arm. It was horrible. People always say things like "Hey it wont do anything" . That's bullshit. They are fucking disgusting.

    Your replies to certain comments are hilarious. Aren't you the sweetest? :P Now don't ask me to go fuck myself for using emoticons.

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    1. Oh, emoticons are fine. And frankly fucking yourself is a nice thing. I only consider it an insult if it involves something like sandpaper or glue. :)

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  12. Hate them so so so much.

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    1. I hope you don't think that comment will somehow make me visit your blog, right? I mean that would be silly.

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    2. Kingmush's comment makes me wanna visit his blog!!

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  13. Bloody gross dude. I hate bugs just like you, except I have never had the great experiences that you have described. haha. vivid detail too, just gross! You gotta move man!

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  14. oh, and I would 100% get a tetanus shot after that little "scrape" you got. LOL

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    1. Might fix the muscle stiffness..

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  15. Apperently roaches can live sixteen days with no head. So decapitating them wont work!

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    1. "Oh it kept moving though. The fucker."

      :P

      Delete

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but if you so much as dare say "Nice post!" or leave a senseless comment without really having read, I will tie you down and saw off your genitalia.

Have a nice day!