So there's this guy, right. Single dad, baby mama is a batshit crazy crack-whore, he's got custody of a 9 year old son, so on and so forth. Obviously the guy's made some bad decisions in his lifetime. That's not the point today.

So about 8 months or so ago he met this lady while his son was at a birthday party. He's a single dad, he doesn't really have time to date but, come on, he's a guy. So he tries to get laid, uses the kid to his advantage, so far so good.

7 months later and what do you know, he asked for her hand in marriage. Kay, he's made some mistakes before but this time it's different, this lady loves his son and they all get along (kinda) and flowers and fucking unicorns shitting rainbows all over the place. Things are nice, it's like a 50's sitcom.

I think I gave you the gist of the background, right? I mean I could give you the names but that complicates things. Let's call the dad Dad, the lady Lady and the son Kid. I'm a fucking genius here. Try to keep your brain in its container.

The newly pieced-together family has been living together for about a month now and things are good. It's different for Lady; living with someone. It's intense. I mean sharing space with a kid, waking up and serving that thing cereal. She almost feels like a mom.

Well today she made the kid chocolate chip pancakes. This kid really loves her now, and Dad's cool with this except he feels the kid is getting a little too excited. He also wants to get laid tonight so he doesn't say anything because he's terrible at speaking. Because he's the average strain of man.

So far this is a pretty realistic story isn't it, guys?

She ends up making food and baked goods the rest of the day. So far she's made blueberry muffins, brownies, pumpkin seeds (which are fucking delicious by the way, have some sometime) and she's making stir fry for lunch. Stir fry. I'm making this woman up and I love her. How sad is that?

She's also drowning out the food supplies, and Dad's realizing it. Now he really wants to get laid tonight, but he can't help but feel like flipping shit. Maybe he'll get a sorry-fuck later, but he has to set things straight. He wants to tell her to ease up on the food consumption and to go easy on the cooking, to relax a little, watch a movie together on their day off.

Instead he says something like:

Fucking stop that. You're wasting all the food and making Kid hyper, what the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus, you haven't even made me a sandwich while you're in there, what kind of woman are you? 

Then he shuts up and realizes that that went differently than he thought it would've. Well shit. He could still apologize but, no. It's his house, fuck, he can say what he wants.

This is man-logic, ladies.

Shit gets real intense now, but you all know that so I'll save you the blah-blah. Kid is stuck in the middle of everything and is just confused. Why are people angry when there's food on the plate?

So Dad storms off in his car, parks 2 blocks away and just thinks to himself. So he kinda fucked up. And he wants to get laid. Naturally the best thing to do right now apologize for his action without actually apologizing. He's not quite sure how he can do this yet, but he has money in the bank and that's a good enough start. He'll fix things because he has the money to, and because everything that sprouted out of his mouth wasn't really necessary. He was silly.

Meanwhile, Lady is thinking similarly. But she's also crying. Kid finds her and well, he just asks. Bless them, they're so blunt and stuff. It's amazing. She shakes it off and says it's nothing, but she figures everything he said was right. Probably because she's emotional and she can't think straight. I don't understand women so I don't know why she thinks that, I just know that she does.

Don't argue with me.

She decides to tell Kid to accompany her to the groceries. They pass Dad on the street and she worries a little, but she's gonna make it all better. She's paying for food out of her wallet, she's going to make nice. They go, buy a shitload of food and come back. Dad's not parked in the same spot anymore but he's not home either. He's probably at a bar or something. Smart man.

They're getting the groceries into the house, they open the fridge and fuck. It's not gonna fit. Lady bought a gallon of milk, a frozen pizza, fucking bagels and an assload of other foods she didn't need to buy and doesn't have room for.

So Kid decides to let her weep on the couch for a while as he stares at the ingredients on the counter top. He opens the fridge and gets to business. 15 minutes later and he calls Lady in. Her eyes are swollen red and her nose is a shade of pink, but she's fine. She swore to him. She steps into the kitchen and see's nothing in there. She can't believe it, he must have thrown something away or hidden something under his bed. This can't be.

She opens the fridge and it's definitely crammed, but it's all there. Everything. That's amazing too her, she picked up the kid and she's hugging him real tight. He copped a feel. He's happy. 9 year olds, you gotta love 'em.

So he's sitting there with Lady being happy that he achieved something, watching some cartoons, something about a stretchy yellow dog, stupid shit really but he's laughing when suddenly Dad walks through the door with two bags of groceries. He just looks at them and says "Come on guys, there's more in the car help me get it to the kitchen!"

Lady is tearing up, standing up and heading to the car. Kid just stands there looking at his father bring the groceries out. He's on his way back out when he sees Kid there just staring at him. Dad asks him what's up and Kid replies but only two words.

Fuck you.


  1. Post is nice!

    I love how it built up, and how you commented on your own story in the story! (it reminded me of one of my reviews!)

    The ending was good, I was actually expecting some thing about him dying and the lady being regretful, so this ending was awesome! Great job!

    1. Damn man, I'm not that dark. Right now anyway. Glad I wasn't too predictable though.

  2. I was hoping she would get dumped. Just like a man. Here's what would happen in real life. I don't live there often, but when I do, I observe. So that guy messed up. He won't apologize, but the guilt will chip away at him, which will cause him to be careless and cruel. The relationship will soon turn full-blown abusive. It will last six more months. Tops.

    1. That sounds about right, actually.

  3. This is why communication and compromise are key to a good relationship. Instead of constantly thinking it, Dad says, hey, I want to get laid, and I want you to make me a damn sandwich. Lady says I don't want to make you a damn sandwich. Dad says okay, fine, how about this? I still get laid tonight, and in exchange, you don't have to make me a sandwich. Lady totally agrees. Compromise.

    Fuck Dr. Phil. This marriage shit is easy.

    1. I insist, when women evolve into psychic superior beings, everything will be a lot better.

  4. So, I take it he didn't get laid. I don't care if we have room or not, bring more food in!

  5. I was waiting for the pity sex, but a copped feel is good enough. I liked the story, and the point of view it came from. Very original.


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