The Beyonce Infatuation

When I was little, watching TV and such, it was inevitable to stare at the mainstream right in the eye and take things in. I learned of Destiny's Child at an early enough age where I could be pulled into the music, terrible I know. But if anything stuck with me, it was the girls.

Now Beyonce may be on today's title, and she's gorgeous and all, but my preference was Kelly Rowland. I mean, just look at her. What is there not to like? Flawless copper skin tone, beautiful smile (when it's genuine) and that misty look. I could just bask in it as she sings herself a soothing jazz standard. I'll make a cup'a and light the candles. Her and me were meant to be. Kelly, if you read this, I won't deny your affections.

She's also got a solid nose.

That's a D4 analysis right there. The elf nose bulb is usually more common for fairer skinned beings. It's usually a wonderful addition to a woman, but she's got it on a fairly wide nostril base. The result is a nose that looks different depending on the angle. I mean come on, was I not supposed to feast my eyes when she came up? Solid 8/10 nose right there.

Beyonce has a real pretty nose too. It's just more common. Maybe a 7/10, but the rest of her face really has a lot to do with it. Beyonce was second place for me, but a clear first for many. A few days ago, a friend made it clear that he was one of those many. While overall I used to find her attractive, I don't anymore. It's not the age or the music. She'll age gracefully, she's a very talented human being, and I would very much enjoy a lover with her vocal possibilities. No, the reason she's not that attractive to me anymore is because of Jay-Z.

As I told my friend, I saw his face. Bewilderment. He just stared and turned his face into a big old wrinkly mess— think Mother Theresa's ass. I knew what he was thinking. "Bro, come on. He's an ugly mofo, if she'll get with him she'll get with anybody. We're clear winners, all we have to do is show some charisma.." so before he even opened his mouth I went on with my reasons. I didn't need to mention the fact that he's a lyrical genius and that hence, his wow factor is significantly increased. I didn't have to mention the fact that he's got more money than I even want to make. I didn't even mention the fact that he's probably a socially friendly, all-around cool guy when he steps away from the mic.

Here's my problem. Imagine the guy. Imagine those thick lips, the bulging fish eyes, the relatively smaller-than-average scalp. Now try and forget the fact that he's a highly respected world famous rapper. Now place him in a room with a blonde bimbo and a shaky cameraman who's way too fucking obnoxious to have a job other than right there at that moment. He's probably gonna say something like "Oh honey, you're not ready for this" followed by some stupid chuckle. It's during that chuckle that he realizes he's not even funny; his world shattering. This is besides the point.

Jay-Z is that one awkward black guy in the porno with the giant horse cock. He fits the criteria. It's between the look, the slur, and the seemingly slow attitude. Jay's that one stud us males think we want to be until we can't fit into any cavity. You can disagree if you like. You also know that by doing so you'll only be lying to yourself.

You're not seeing this picture of Jay Z's monster cock because you're not reading this on ilikenoses.blogspot.com
But why does it matter? Because I can't compete. To be with someone as long as Beyonce's been with Jay here? I'm not worried about the gaping open black hole between her legs, I'm worried about my performance. I wouldn't want to have to picture that fuckin' boa while I'm doing the deed. Not that I should be, but the gaping black hole wouldn't give me another option. It will create the thought.

Is Beyonce beautiful? Absolutely. But to be married to this guy for as long as she has been means that even if they did become unhappy at some point, and even if I did get the chance, there'd be no way for me to feel comfortable. That's assuming I'd get the chance to compete after being sucked into another universe.

As for my friend, I think he'll keep his infatuations with Mila Kunis. Sorry bro.


  1. I never thought about Kelly Rowland's nose, but it is a pretty nice nose. I'm also just glad to see this blog getting back to noses. Well, before it derailed to horse cocks.

    Jay Z, with his dopey expression and shit eating grin, totally looks like that guy who has no blood going to his brain because it's all going to his third leg. I hate how much this makes sense. :(

    1. Noses are the core to this blog, as they are the core to my every day being. Glad it was appreciated.

      Happy to ruin Beyonce for you!

  2. Elf nose. That's a first for me. My nose is a bit bulbous at the end and I don't like it. I always think of Squidward from Sponge Bob but my family just laughs at me and says it's not even close.

    1. The bulb is rarely bad for the overall look of the nose. Now, if the bulb droops like that of Squidward's, there may be a problem.

  3. You know they do plastic surgery to body parts other then the nose right? They could make you like a horse. or an elephant! You could be her new man and put him to shame! You could have so much blood flowing down there that you'd be clinicly brain dead!!

  4. I thought you were writing a few short stories soon?

    1. I've got a couple of posts in the making, they're just not ready yet. Not nearly as complete as I'd like them to be. And yes, one of them consists solely on short paragraph-long stories. I need more experiences!


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