3/23/13

Centipede

I saw a centipede in person for the first time a few days ago. It was about 4 in the morning. I had just finished writing, I was in bed, the lights were off, and I felt something tickle my thigh. Usually when I feel that, it's the fan hitting my leg hair and all is well. But that night my legs were under the covers.

I lifted the covers, but before I could even lay sight on my legs there it was. All wiggly and fast, speeding up my shirt, working its way to my mouth. Maybe it was the silent yelp, or my legs kicking around, but the centipede decided it was time to head in another direction.

It crawled under my bed, where the boogeyman hides. It stopped being so quick, it was just there. At first I figured it should be harmless. It's lost; that centipede isn't even supposed to be indoors. I set myself back onto my pillow, and curiosity took over.

What if this centipede had evolved mentally? What if it decided to seek revenge, crawl into my mouth, refuge in my intestines, and breed? My every following shit would be infested with tiny centipede babies, scraping the edges of my colon with it's wiggling leg-claw-things.

http://ilikenoses.blogspot.com/2013/03/centipede.html
Image Source
It took me a second to realize it'd probably die in my stomach before any of that happened. Unless it really did evolve, and its outer shell became impenetrable by those acids lining and eating away at my stomach. If corn can do it, why can't an arthropod?

It was at this point that I figured I'd check underneath the bed, just in case it was still there. It was. I saw it; laying there. Wiggling its little claw things at the wall, pretending it was trying to climb it. I knew it was actually etching a blueprint of my body, trying to take it over. To appropriate my soul.

And then I squashed it with my slipper. The bottom half. It was stuck to the ground, but it was still alive. Left to die slowly after thinking such cruel thoughts over me, a poor random nobody in this world. I watched it die from the edge of my bed afterwards, just to be sure.

Paul - 1  Centipede - 0

4 comments:

  1. Or, or, do centipedes travel in pairs to deceive their hosts? Perhaps you merely squashed Charlie the Centipede and Charlene the Centipede is happily creating Conner, Carol, Charmaine, Kevin, there's always the odd ball in the bunch, Caesar, Cabe....IN YOUR BELLY!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll tell Paul. He'll hate that idea.

      Delete
  2. I often find centipedes burrowing in my garden. I can't stand the little bastards. Yet I like caterpillars. I'm assuming it's because the centipede is this scrawny, hairless little monster with gangly legs, while the caterpillar is fat, and fluffy, with little stumpy legs.

    I also don't know what that says about me, as a thin, gangly man with no body hair...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would cry for the dead creature, but I think you found the one insect that had found a way to defeat the human race. Starting with you, it would have taken just a few weeks to take over. So I thank you for your valiant efforts in saving the human race.

    ReplyDelete

All comments welcome, positive, negative, short or long..
but if you so much as dare say "Nice post!" or leave a senseless comment without really having read, I will tie you down and saw off your genitalia.

Have a nice day!