Paul's Cereal

I don't like people. Okay, it's not that bad. I don't like people when I'm not around. I can't see what they're doing, I don't know what their actions are. I can't monitor. I lose control.

It's not that I care what they do. Usually it doesn't even involve me, but on those occasions where someone wants to be at my home while I'm not there, or when I'm showering, or before I wake up (never giving anyone keys to my house again).. there's just reason for me to worry.

It might seem paranoid, but it's justified.

Like the other day, I was gonna go out clubbing with my friends. I specifically said I'd be ready at 9:30, but this one imbecile came for me at 8:20.

"I have to shower.." I whispered.

"It's okay, I'll just wait and watch TV or something" was his response. The sly dog.

I was hesitant, I didn't like the situation but what was I supposed to do? Shoo him away? I just nodded my head and went in for my shower.

But what was he doing while I showered? Was he really watching the crap on my basic cable, or was he doing something worse? Something I wouldn't like. Something he wouldn't be able to tell me, so at the same time something I would never know about.

I'd rub shampoo on my hair and think. Maybe he's spitting on my socks. Maybe scratching my DVD's with his keys. Or mayb-

Maybe he's fucking my cereal.

Before getting out of my room I took the time to draw a few illustrations of what my friend was probably doing. That way I'd get to show him that I knew, and when his eyes open in fear he can know that I know he betrayed me.

But you've also gotta give it to him, it's a genius idea. I'll be out for at least a couple of hours with him, when I come back the semen will have dried out and when I add milk to the cereal I'll never notice any of the crust. It'll all mush down.

I paid $7 for that cereal too. Terrible.

He just laughed at me. It's confusing, because at this point he should be surprised I caught on. It's not even nervous laughter, it's roaring. Who does this cereal fetishist think he is? He ruined my cereal, it was expensive. I wasn't even halfway done with it.

As D4, I'm actually quite proud of the box of cereal I drew

And what's worse, she probably liked it too. Oh I know her well, with her arrogant gluten free rings and her delicious cinnamon spices. She was probably all over him before I even stepped foot into the shower, and yet he denies me of his truth. Almost as if I didn't have all the evidence I needed right there on my hand! I drew it a mere 4 minutes ago, the blood is still wet on his hands. I can smell it.

He finally started realizing that I knew when I started shouting and went to look for the cereal box myself. I saw his eyes widen as I opened the cabinet and saw that he placed her exactly the same way I did. Sneaky.

"Paul, stop being so paranoid!" He yelled at me. In my own house, after sleeping with my cereal.

I took the box and tossed it into the garbage, ordered him to either fess up or leave right this instant, and the coward left. I'll never trust him in my house again, and for good reason too. Forget about the taste and consistency, think about the germs! Some nerve.

I didn't go out clubbing that night. I did however run out to the supermarket and get me some cereal. It was cheaper this time. She looks faithful.

Work it, bitch

I enjoy good service. No, seriously. I like to tip at least 20% if the service was good at a restaurant. I like to wish people a good day when they've answered my questions. I like being well attended at any local food place, and then telling other people they should check it out. Even if said food is somewhat shitty.

But this one time, not too long ago, I went to a better known sandwich shop. Let's call it Wubsay. Now, I like me a good Wubsay sandwich. It's not the best out there, but it's good for what it is. What sucked a big cheese encrusted cock was the guy attending me.

I'm in line, there's 2 guys ahead of me. I'm just there, waiting like any sane human would expect, when the sandwich maker asks me what I want. My neck snaps back towards him, and I see him asking the guy ahead of me what he wants in his sandwich.

"I must be hearing things."

But then he calls me again. Now I'm all for multi-tasking, but if you're going to attend me, fucking attend me. He gets the hint after I wait for him to put another Wub into the oven-microwave thing. He looks me in the eyes and asks me what I want. What I ordered doesn't matter, I've already forgotten. Let's say I ordered the extra cheesy sardine combo. He nods in acknowledgement, then deals with the heated Wub.

After he does all his chores with the heated Wub from the guy ahead of me, he comes back to me and asks me what I want. So far the service is pretty bad. His act of multi-tasking was really just a waste of time.

"But it's okay" I say "It's minimum wage, it's to be expected."

He prepares my sandwich up for me and asks what I'd like on it. I was waiting for this moment the whole time I was in line. I know exactly what I want and don't want. I start something like: I don't want lettuce or--

He looked like this-ish.

From here what happens is nothing too exciting. I get pissed off. I'm the customer, I'm always right. Don't correct me, you just listen to me and pull your saw-edged butt plug out of your anus, shit-stain.

I had a low temper that day. But I did nothing mean. I just said everything like I wanted to say it anyway. No lettuce, no jalapenos, everything else goes.

After a bit of thought, though, here's what I should have said:

Everything. Yes, even jalapenos.

Now take the jalapenos off. Now take the lettuce off. Now the tomatoes. Don't forget the banana peppers. Now the green peppers, please, I don't need them any more. Actually, I'm not hungry, I'm gonna go.

Next time some skid-mark comes at me with this shit, I'll have this ready. Be on your toes, Wubsay employees.

My Relationship with Roaches

I've had a lot of experiences with these things throughout my life. Roaches. Even the name is ugly, they're hard to get used to and real easy to hate. It's not like they do anything, of course. Usually they're just germ transmitters. Like flies, lizards, mice, cats, dogs...

But then sometimes.. things happen. Sometimes, they're just cruel motherfuckers. I'm not prejudiced, they're just assholes.

When I was 5

I had to go to the bathroom. It was maybe 9 at night so everything was dark. Of course, I waited until the very last minute of whatever cartoon I was watching to quickly run down the hall and make a right at the bathroom. Commercial breaks are so quick, there really is a need to hurry.

I open the bathroom door, slide my bare foot in and put my hand on the switch. I don't flick the switch, though. No, there's a rubber band under my foot. It feels funny, I roll it around, play with it a little while and smile. I realize the cartoon is gonna be on soon, so I hurry up and turn on the light.

From here it all happens so fast. The light is on, I lift my foot and see this big brown thing, practically drunkenly wobble out from under my foot. My teeth grind, my eyes widen, and this foot-fucker decided to fly its way up my leg.

Fuck that shit. Nearly pissed myself as I darted out of there.

Ok, it wasn't this creepy looking. But it flew.

Fast forward a few years to-

When I was 15

It's early morning this time. Getting ready, the whole routine. I'm the first one awake. It's time for breakfast, maybe a hard boiled egg. Maybe an egg sandwich. Classy stuff. I was always classy.

I open the fridge, I get an egg, put it on the counter top. So far so good, life is pretty fucking sweet. Lower a pot, fill it up with water. Put that pot and water on medium high and wait for it to boil. Fuck yeah I'm a pro.

So I wait a few minutes, the water is boiling, I stick the egg in it. All that fancy stuff, and then I pull a glass out. To drink from it or something. Of course, under that glass was a family of cockroaches, staring up at me blankly. Their fancy little antennae twitching like they've been caught in the act.

"That's awfully rude, man. We're here making these babies come out and you're fucking interrupting us. Why don't you go squeal like a little bitch and forget about making breakfast? Eating sucks anyway." - Roaches

I took their advice. Later on that night I found them eating my toothpaste. It's a surprising detail to note that I never got a cavity after that point.

Less than this. Still.

Two days ago

I was emptying out a closet. This closet has always had a big hole that leads to the tub on the bathroom on the other side. It's for easy plumbing purposes or something. You know what whatever. It's got big piece of plastic on the wall and that's where the hole is. It's just wide enough for a basketball to fit through.

Well in the process of clearing the closet out and re-realizing that hole was there, it just seemed logical at the time to satisfy my curiosity and attempt at tugging it off. Right there, on that chewed-off rust-black floor that's most likely corroded by the never ending tub leak. With little brown marks up against the walls, and the faint smell of dirty mop.

I was pretty curious. I mean, I tugged at that plastic bitch hard. I don't know what it is that I did wrong, but apparently my feet were doing a better job. I fell.

Usually when something looks shady, you stay away from it. I however decided to stand on it and sink 5 feet into the ground all of a sudden. That cheap closet floor decided to give out, right when I needed it to work, and it was disgusting. I scraped my right arm on the side a bit, but that's fine. "Just a graze" says my inner macho man.

What wasn't fine was the hole on the bottom, near my knee. Maggots around the rim as far as I could see, the occasional flying insect zooming out, and you can't ignore the giant (about 16 inches long and maybe 6 inches wide) cockroach. I could see it too, looking at me with those fucking giant beady eyes. Its fucking antennae poking out from its hole/nest. It's at that point that I took my battle-axe, which I have on me at all times, and swung it right across its "head". It's not clearly defined, but I took the top chunk off in one swift crunch of a sound.

Bigger.

Oh it kept moving though. The fucker.

Groceries

So there's this guy, right. Single dad, baby mama is a batshit crazy crack-whore, he's got custody of a 9 year old son, so on and so forth. Obviously the guy's made some bad decisions in his lifetime. That's not the point today.

So about 8 months or so ago he met this lady while his son was at a birthday party. He's a single dad, he doesn't really have time to date but, come on, he's a guy. So he tries to get laid, uses the kid to his advantage, so far so good.

7 months later and what do you know, he asked for her hand in marriage. Kay, he's made some mistakes before but this time it's different, this lady loves his son and they all get along (kinda) and flowers and fucking unicorns shitting rainbows all over the place. Things are nice, it's like a 50's sitcom.

Gotta pop one of these bad boys out

I think I gave you the gist of the background, right? I mean I could give you the names but that complicates things. Let's call the dad Dad, the lady Lady and the son Kid. I'm a fucking genius here. Try to keep your brain in its container.

The newly pieced-together family has been living together for about a month now and things are good. It's different for Lady; living with someone. It's intense. I mean sharing space with a kid, waking up and serving that thing cereal. She almost feels like a mom.

Well today she made the kid chocolate chip pancakes. This kid really loves her now, and Dad's cool with this except he feels the kid is getting a little too excited. He also wants to get laid tonight so he doesn't say anything because he's terrible at speaking. Because he's the average strain of man.

So far this is a pretty realistic story isn't it, guys?

She ends up making food and baked goods the rest of the day. So far she's made blueberry muffins, brownies, pumpkin seeds (which are fucking delicious by the way, have some sometime) and she's making stir fry for lunch. Stir fry. I'm making this woman up and I love her. How sad is that?

She's also drowning out the food supplies, and Dad's realizing it. Now he really wants to get laid tonight, but he can't help but feel like flipping shit. Maybe he'll get a sorry-fuck later, but he has to set things straight. He wants to tell her to ease up on the food consumption and to go easy on the cooking, to relax a little, watch a movie together on their day off.

Instead he says something like:

Fucking stop that. You're wasting all the food and making Kid hyper, what the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus, you haven't even made me a sandwich while you're in there, what kind of woman are you? 

Then he shuts up and realizes that that went differently than he thought it would've. Well shit. He could still apologize but, no. It's his house, fuck, he can say what he wants.

This is man-logic, ladies.

And we're proud of it too, aren't we guys?

Shit gets real intense now, but you all know that so I'll save you the blah-blah. Kid is stuck in the middle of everything and is just confused. Why are people angry when there's food on the plate?

So Dad storms off in his car, parks 2 blocks away and just thinks to himself. So he kinda fucked up. And he wants to get laid. Naturally the best thing to do right now apologize for his action without actually apologizing. He's not quite sure how he can do this yet, but he has money in the bank and that's a good enough start. He'll fix things because he has the money to, and because everything that sprouted out of his mouth wasn't really necessary. He was silly.

Meanwhile, Lady is thinking similarly. But she's also crying. Kid finds her and well, he just asks. Bless them, they're so blunt and stuff. It's amazing. She shakes it off and says it's nothing, but she figures everything he said was right. Probably because she's emotional and she can't think straight. I don't understand women so I don't know why she thinks that, I just know that she does.

Don't argue with me.

She decides to tell Kid to accompany her to the groceries. They pass Dad on the street and she worries a little, but she's gonna make it all better. She's paying for food out of her wallet, she's going to make nice. They go, buy a shitload of food and come back. Dad's not parked in the same spot anymore but he's not home either. He's probably at a bar or something. Smart man.

They're getting the groceries into the house, they open the fridge and fuck. It's not gonna fit. Lady bought a gallon of milk, a frozen pizza, fucking bagels and an assload of other foods she didn't need to buy and doesn't have room for.

So Kid decides to let her weep on the couch for a while as he stares at the ingredients on the counter top. He opens the fridge and gets to business. 15 minutes later and he calls Lady in. Her eyes are swollen red and her nose is a shade of pink, but she's fine. She swore to him. She steps into the kitchen and see's nothing in there. She can't believe it, he must have thrown something away or hidden something under his bed. This can't be.

She opens the fridge and it's definitely crammed, but it's all there. Everything. That's amazing too her, she picked up the kid and she's hugging him real tight. He copped a feel. He's happy. 9 year olds, you gotta love 'em.

So he's sitting there with Lady being happy that he achieved something, watching some cartoons, something about a stretchy yellow dog, stupid shit really but he's laughing when suddenly Dad walks through the door with two bags of groceries. He just looks at them and says "Come on guys, there's more in the car help me get it to the kitchen!"

Lady is tearing up, standing up and heading to the car. Kid just stands there looking at his father bring the groceries out. He's on his way back out when he sees Kid there just staring at him. Dad asks him what's up and Kid replies but only two words.

And with narrowed eyes he sighs

Fuck you.